Numb is the New Deep

I’ve been coming to a slow realization that for quite some time now I have been practicing the discipline of numbness. I am not exactly sure when and where it started, or how it has grown to what it is now in my life, but it probably has something to do with trying to find margin in my life in a line of work where burnout is the norm (the average youth minister makes it a whopping year and a half before throwing in the towel). I think it has become much more than a misguided attempt at margin though, much more than a response to dealing with the grittiness of being invested in other people’s lives. I have begun to escape, to completely shut myself off, and I think it has something to do with missing the point in this life with God.

I don’t think I am alone in wanting to be a compassionate, caring, servant, and feeling like that is at the heart of who God is calling me to be. The problem is, compassion is tiring. And I have yet to meet a person or situation that is not deserving of compassion. So I find myself, at times, feeling like I can’t escape the life God has called me to, not even for a little rest. I think so many of us see the “there is so much to be done” side of life with God and get stressed out. There are so many people in need (really all of us), so many heart breaking situations and conditions in the world, so many places in urgent need of servants. It is all a little overwhelming. Gradually my response to all of this has been to shut down, to numb myself, to escape into the seventh consecutive airing of Sports Center, or the newest VH1 reality show.

So here is what I am learning; numbing myself, completely shutting myself off, is not providing me margin, it is providing me escape. And escape is not recharging me, but making me want to stay numbed to life with God. Somewhere I crossed a line and began to see much of life with God as an imposition on my numbness, as a stressor, and as a lot of physical and emotional work that I would rather not deal with most of the time. Could this really be what Jesus meant when he said “I have come to bring life in the full” (John 10:10). I think so many of us can see where the life Jesus brings can fill up our schedule, but I hardly consider that a full life. Life in the full seems to ring of a life full of passion, and one thing I am certain of, numbness is a killer of passion. I am not sure where I got the notion that margin includes shutting down, but I am becoming more and more convinced that it should really be about feeding passion. The thing about being passionate is that sometimes it is emotional, taxing, and draining, but at other times our passions are joyous, restful, exciting and energizing. The difficulty is being intentional with margin time so that it allows for us to dive into passions that energize us for the rest of life. Our culture seems to be creating easy access to numbness, and it can feel good in the moment, but it can be deadly to the full life God intends for us.