| Dear Jesus-- I love you. I am not great at showing it all the time. But I feel like sometimes I'm on the brink of finally deciding to really fall in love with you. And, Sometimes I feel like I am about to close the door on faith all together. Each day is different and mostly increasingly difficult. My life is too busy. We all agree on that. You tell me to slow down, to just be, but I don't really trust you. If i did, I would wait for you instead of going ahead of you. I wish I knew you better, but sometimes I'm glad I don't. I live in the grey are most of the time. I am lukewarm. The bright side of what keeps me closer to you is the church. The FOM exists in a place that genuinely reflects your love for those who need you, and the FOM shows your face outwardly to the world. That is beautiful. But for me, for some reason it misses my own heart. I believe in doing things for others of course. But also, I feel like my relationship with you takes a back seat due to how busy the FOM maybe with helping others. That maybe a crappy thing to say, but it's how I feel. My heart is constrained without knowing you more. A lot of the fault lies in my own apathy and my selfishness. But I also sometimes believe that a journey into the heart of who you are and how you can fix me, seems like a journey few of us have the heart for. Mainly because it is scary and I hate seeing the things that are screwed up in my heart. I need the fom to be that for me, I think. I think I need to help be that for the fom. I want others to know me, but I have to make the step to know others. Jesus, If I am created in your image, and your desire is to be known, then that is my desire as well. I pray that you will help me know you, to truly trust you, and in turn let me know others and them to know me. Align our hearts and put our faith in you. I love you. Your Son, Santry |
Saturday, November 15, 2008
From the Rush House
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2 comments:
I really feel you. I have a really hard time connecting in churches unless there is at least as much in-reach going on as outreach. Our task oriented culture is so outwardly focused, it can make an inward life very difficult. Even seeing the need for self-reflection can be hard to acknowledge.
I've often thought of defecting to either Catholicism or Buddhism - traditions that have a much richer history of the interior journey. For some reason I haven't yet. I think I secretly hope practices of inward reflection are overflowing into the Protestant tradition and I can be a part of something that is the best of both worlds. We'll see.
SR, I'm there.
and J, I get the inward need, I'm there, too, but I am committed to the scriptures for guidance (Buddha, not so much-- that's just me).
And I come back to S's opener: "Jesus, I love you." I have to start and end there.
So what is it that we disconnect from the primary while we engage in the secondary? if our ministry is to overflow from our inner life, why do I feel drained? Absurd question; a given--but we have so much giftedness in our community, that I would think we would not have this mutual experience. I would have expected my inner life to be isolated, that I would be an outlier of the norm.
The cool thing is, even in this moment I am in community, and that is powerful. --jk,ns
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